BREAKING: WEF Announces New Initiative to Save the World by Owning Literally Everything

Davos, Switzerland — In a stunning display of altruism, the World Economic Forum (WEF) announced its latest initiative at this year’s annual meeting: "Total Ownership for Total Freedom"—a revolutionary plan where they graciously offer to own everything you’ve ever loved, hated, or casually ignored.

“People often ask us, ‘What can billionaires do to help ordinary people?’” said WEF Chair Klaus von Übercontrol in his keynote speech. “The answer is simple: own more things, control more lives, and, in doing so, set you free from the crushing burden of personal choice.”

The Bold Vision

The initiative is based on the WEF’s now-iconic slogan: "You will own nothing and be happy." According to WEF insiders, the plan involves transferring all global assets—houses, cars, family heirlooms, and that one jar of half-eaten peanut butter in your pantry—into a centralised blockchain, owned and operated by the benevolent technocrats at Davos.

“The blockchain will ensure equality,” explained von Übercontrol, before adding, “for us.”

Benefits for the Common Folk

According to a glossy 300-page brochure distributed at the event (printed on ethically-sourced moon rocks), here are the key benefits of the plan:

No More Stress Over Property Maintenance

“Leaky roof? Broken AC? Not your problem anymore! It’s ours now. And we don’t fix things,” the brochure chirps.

A Subscription for Life

Instead of owning anything, citizens will pay small, affordable monthly fees (starting at only 95% of your income) to access basics like shelter, food, and occasionally oxygen.

Freedom from Decision-Making

With algorithms making choices for you, the crushing existential dread of deciding between Netflix and Hulu is a thing of the past.

A Token of Trust

In a modern twist, participants will receive WEF Trust Credits instead of traditional ownership. These credits serve as a symbolic gesture of inclusion in the program. Unlike typical currencies, Trust Credits cannot be spent, traded, or even fully understood. Instead, they function as a continuous reminder of your commitment to progress.

Critics have likened Trust Credits to “participation trophies for adults,” but WEF representatives defended the concept. “These credits are more valuable than money,” said von Übercontrol. “They’re a declaration of unity under our benevolent oversight.”

Resistance is Futile

The WEF has preemptively dismissed critics, calling them "ungrateful peasants clinging to outdated ideas like ‘freedom’ and ‘ownership.’”

“The fact that people still want to own things is a tragic by-product of the free market. We’re here to fix that,” said another WEF spokesperson, while sipping sustainable gold-flaked kombucha from a $50,000 diamond-encrusted goblet.

Join the Revolution—or Else

Citizens are encouraged to “voluntarily” join the program by signing a 1,200-page agreement. Those who refuse will be kindly reminded of their duty through cheerful yet mandatory drone-delivered leaflets.

“This is not about control,” assured von Übercontrol. “This is about love. And if you don’t comply, we’ll lovingly make your life a living hell.”

What’s Next for the WEF?

After revolutionizing property ownership, the WEF plans to tackle more pressing issues like "Democratising Your Thoughts" and "Streamlining Global Breathing Rights."

“By 2030, we envision a world where everything is centrally controlled by a few enlightened elites,” von Übercontrol declared, before concluding with the ominous tagline, “Resistance is... well, you know.”

Disclaimer: This article is purely satirical and meant to entertain. Any resemblance to real-world events, organisations, or dystopian nightmares is purely coincidental—or is it?